I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
