This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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