Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
