I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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