We left an ass print on the piano.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
