You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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