Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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