After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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