my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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