There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
