I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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