he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
