I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
