at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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