My sheets look like a crime scene.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
