I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
