Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize