Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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