I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
