the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
