I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
