Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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