Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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