Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
