You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
