He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
