he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
