I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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