I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
