It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
