i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
