i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Alive.
So much puke
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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