his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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