i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
