1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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