you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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