But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
