My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
