I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
