sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
nutella sex= disaster
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize