well you can't waste a boner
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
