Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
