he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
