if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
