Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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