grandma shit on top of the toilet
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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