I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
