Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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