i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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