end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
