She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize