i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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