That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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