remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
