dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize