New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize