she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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