hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize